Hide from the storm
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Little did I know that we will be facing quarantine due to the prevalence of Covid-19 disease. This pandemic has affected earthlings. Many have suffered and died, some have lost their source of income. Recently the crude oil price plummets, for the first time in the history, to a negative value. These horrors are going to stop. Thank you to all the frontliners who fight despite of the fear of infection. We are getting through this together.
I manage to travel back to hometown before this partial lockdown. I'm extremely glad that I have my family members companion throughout this period. I do know it's selfish of me, that I might carry the disease and be a harm to my parents. But I'm happy that nothing happens. Right now, I have spent more than a month staying at home. It's sort of a holiday for me tbh, waking up to food, watching drama, occasionally doing homework, playing mobile games, back to food and sleep. I didn't feel so bad, after all I have completed my part in an academic paper draft, wrote my research article and calculated the chemical and mechanical design of distillation column. What are left now are research report and more designs to do :)
What prompt me to write this post is that I'm heartbroken having a quarrel with my boyfriend. And this time, I feel like nothing is going to be the same anymore. If he ever mention the word 'break-up', I would have said yes. I am constantly hurt by his action, of asking me who is he to me and what do I actually want now. It's as if I have lost faith in this relationship from his point of view. But I figure, yes, I have indeed lost faith, due to his recent ridiculous actions. He doesn't seem to care anymore, doesn't update me his condition, doesn't want to understand what I have said and constantly irks me. He went on doing the very things I do not approve of. He pierced his ears, saying that all these while he had given in to me, be considerate to me despite my temper (I do have hot temper), that it's time I give in to him by letting him pierce. We fought over this and he pierced 'em ears anyhow. And he started playing Tinder. I hate the fact that only after he did something for awhile, only he updated me. He started to chat with those girls over in Whatsapp and claimed that his mere intention is to make friends. How can I not lose my faith, I wonder. I would not be surprised later tomorrow that he will update me that 'Let's break-up. I have met someone else.'.
He blamed me on not doing something special on our anniversary. I just wished him 'Happy anniversary'. He said that I'm superficial because I justified that it's just another day, it's the same as my birthday, it's just another day. As for me, the act of remembering is very important, but a simple wish will do. After a few years, how many friends will remember your birthday (if not because of Facebook)? How many of them will actually wish you happy birthday? That's why I feel the remembrance is of utmost important. How pathetic of me.
He held on to the grudges and acted bitchly. He complaint that I do not change over the years by keeping my problems deep in my heart and not voicing out my sadness. I recall my recent vacation in Hanoi, the time when my friends and I visited the Long Biên Bridge. It is a very busy street which allows only motorbikes but not cars on it. There's a railway in between the streets and tourists were taking pictures on the railway. We risked our lives getting on the railway, only to realize there was a train coming towards us. We ran backwards, standing over small platform. Can you see the reason why I keep things to myself? Because you do not run towards an incoming train, you go backwards and hide in a small corner. It will be suicidal of me to bang myself against the train. Will you brace yourself in a stormy path when you can choose a sunny one?
It's when we take for granted, that they are taking away our precious one. So I tell him that I need a break, to recover. Honestly, I'm very very disappointed of him, I'm so hurt that I can no longer face him, that I need time alone to sort things out, to calm myself and ask, if this relationship is worth the while. Because he no longer see the value in this relationship. And if it is for our good, I will let go.
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